The Last Word

We used to share stories at night.

You would ask how my day was, and I would chat away about my boring meetings, this really good snack I had, some exciting events, or the annoying people I met. You would look into my eyes as I babble, sometimes smiling and making me feel awkward.

Now we never share stories at night.

Sometimes you would ask how my day was, and I would answer almost automatically with short mundane words. No more rooms for long babbles about my boring meetings, this really good snack I had, some exciting events, or the annoying people I met.

We used to have stories for each other. Now we hardly have words for each other.

And I lay on my bed every night in tears wondering what went wrong, as I slowly felt the words between us drying, until there is nothing left to say but perhaps a goodbye.

Let Go

Perhaps the time has come
for me to give up.
For how can I compete
with the strong force
of the one
you gave your heart to.
The mesmerising sirens
of the ocean.

"Let go," they sang
with the harmony
of the rolling waves.
"You'll never win."

Slowly
I watched you drift away,
as my tears vanished 
into the blue.

Synchronicity #1: Hurricane

To the boy who came and go like a hurricane,

I dreamt of you.

I dreamt of you for two nights in a row. I was not sure what they were about. I only remembered you being in them. It was not a sad dream I suppose, as I woke up without feeling blue, but with just a thought:

"I wish you well."

I wish you well wherever you are, whatever you do. Even though you went silent and sent no words back, I wish you well still.

You told me that all your travels to the mountains and the remote places didn't make you find yourself. "No. That's bullshit," you said with a soft chuckle and with what I thought was a distant gaze.

But I know that you went out in search for something. And I hope you'll find whatever it is that you're looking for, beneath all the hard rocks, the blanket of snow, and the high peaks.

I am thankful we came across each other's path and embraced the encounter with fire in our souls, the heat burning down from our lips to our veins.

"Grab life by the horns and just ride it!" You told me when we saw each other for the last time. You repeated it twice, it felt as if you were saying that to convince yourself too.

You came and go like a hurricane. It was no coincidence. It was synchronicity.

And I was never the same again.

The Broken Lid

I was cleaning up my toiletries one day when I accidentally dropped the lid of a ceramic pot that I used for storing cotton pads. It split and broke into two pieces, and I stood there for a millisecond to ponder on this small incident.

I thought, "Wouldn't it be nice if there's someone who could fix this for me?" I know it's an easy job--just glue it on and get it over with--but I was implying on a bigger part, in a bigger picture. I used to have a "handyman" around. He would offer to help fix things as he is fond of building things and fixing stuffs. After he's gone, there's basically no one around to extend a hand or ask for help. 

I am alone.

This feeling became more obvious when I moved into my apartment. Even though I've been living alone for the past few years inside my small cramped rented room, being alone in a real living space (read: small apartment for one) is somewhat a bit different. Not just because I get to have a kitchen, a fridge, a proper bathroom, and so on, but also because I have to manage most household chores by myself. Last week, I managed to install the gas despite my paranoia and my being clueless, and earlier today I managed to lift and place a 19 liter water gallon into the dispenser (and mopped the flooded floor afterwards).

When I told my friend about my difficulties with the water gallon, he said, "Well, that's why most women get married. So that someone could lift it up for them." I chuckled at his sarcasm but I couldn't help thinking how true his words were.

Yes, I do want someone to be there for me to help with things. Fixing things, building things, and whatnot's. But most importantly, I want someone who could help me fix myself. Someone who would be there to hold me in his arms and fix my wings (or tail) when I am broken. Someone who would lift me up and clean my wounds when I tripped and fall along the way. Someone to hug me every morning before the day starts and to kiss me every night when the day ends. Someone who would hold my hand as we walk along side by side, despite the arguments and disagreements.

I'm comfortable being alone but I can't say that I like it all the time. Then again, who does? Even the most cynical and skeptical of the bunch don't enjoy it deep down (but they won't admit it of course, they'd say, "Who needs love? Not I."*). But for the moment, until my next "handyman" comes, alone will have to do. Alone will be fine.

If I managed to do some heavy chores by myself, then I sure as hell can endure more. 


* "Oooh, darling, who needs love? Who needs a heaven up above? Who needs the clouds in the sky, not I." (Who Needs Love - Razorlight)

Longing for Silence

There are times when 
words are unnecessary,
superfluous and empty.

When silence is stronger,
holding more meanings
than a flood of words.

A silence that is comforting,
not awkward.
A silence that is warm,
not cold.

A silence that connects,
not detaches.
A silence that binds,
not breaks.

A silence that's intimate,
not strange.
A silence that's assuring,
not implausible.

And I long for that silence,
a loving silence.

Paris, 2011

One day, I'll find someone who will sit silently with me in a coffee shop. Where we would both be absorbed in our own books, lost in our own worlds, without ever feeling distant. Because we both know that we're connected in a way no words can describe, tied and secured by an invisible cord called "intimacy".

One day.

Running OS Ver 3.0

September 1st, 2012, was marked as the launching day of my OS ver 3.0.

Yep, I just got upgraded.

I entered 2012 wearily, with a slight hint of paranoia and panic. I'm sure most women can relate to this feeling. Tis the age where traditional society labels you as "old", and if you're single, an "old spinster". In a world where a woman's success is not valid unless she's married and accomplishment means "raising a family", career and practically other areas in life--no matter how important--are secondary. What matters is getting hitched and then procreate. As if women are bred into this world solely to become a baby factory.

After coming out of a 2.5 years relationship, just a few months before my birthday--with a very bitter aftertaste--I initially thought that my world would crumble. After all, I'm hitting 30 with no "future spouse" in sight. Dreams were shattered, hopes were broken, and memories were stained. I became a cynic once more, bitter in every sense--convinced that I would be alone for the rest of my life.

And yet when that day finally arrived, I only felt a certain stillness. Acceptance, perhaps, of what was meant to be. Common sense returned to give a clearer view of the big picture. And I remembered feeling free--a happiness like I've never felt before for the past year, when the relationship had already begun falling apart. I celebrated my big 3.0 with good friends and kicked into the new decade in a pair of killer heels (which I got from the ex but were too nice to be thrown away).

I'm a single 30 years old woman with a bright career, a loving family, and a band of supportive friends. Yes, I feel lonely sometimes--perhaps quite often--but it doesn't necessarily mean that I'm not happy. On the contrary, I'm happy with my choices and happy with where I am right now. Maybe not fulfilled nor content yet, but I don't feel miserable.

And that's more than enough.

Thank you, Boss, for the very thoughtful gift

[Coelho's] Why Women Believe That We Love Them

This is the reply to Why We Love Men.

Frankly, I couldn't agree with most. This piece didn't make me smile like when I read the previous one about men (except for that last line from Paulo). Is it because I'm not that womanly? Hahahah...

But anyway, I've highlighted a few points that I could quite relate to as a woman (but only personally).

What do you think, people? Which ones could you relate to the most? Would love to hear some thoughts from both men and women. =)

[Coelho's] Why We Love Men

I was at the height of my insecurities today. Restless and beaten, I was thinking of drawing back into my safe solitary confinement. And then, just like a sign, one particular email landed in my inbox.

When I opened it, I was surprised to see the title, and even more when I read it 'til the end. Faith and hope were renewed -- sort of.

I smiled when I read it all the way (I've seen, feel, and experienced some of the points written). In the end, I nearly cried. So sweet.

ps: I've highlighted a few points. These points are the ones that I could really relate to. =)

A Matter of Heart

3:46pm himhmmm

do u think we would ever meet again like before ?

3:50pm her

hmmm... no, I don't think so =)

3:52pm her

I don't think I should add more bad karma into my life. hahah

3:53pm him

not even once ?
and don't think its bad karma!
to u bad karma .. to another perhaps a matter of the heart!
anyways ... don't wanna get philosophical now
:P

Sweet Like Chocolate

This post is actually inspired by a friend's post, whose lucky enough to have had many sweet experiences. Sometimes I think her stories seem like they are taken right out of a movie. Heheheh.. (I sometimes envy you, oh dear neighbor).

Anyway, back then I couldn't really think of anything so sweetly memorable happening to me. Maybe because I never really have any real romance in my life (ah yes, me and my bland life) or maybe it's just because I had that problem of being 'clueless' when I'm suddenly asked some certain questions which forced me to go down memory lane. Because these things always pop out unexpectedly, when you were least thinking about it.

But it finally came up to me after a while, and I remember that there were actually a few. So I just thought I should write it down so that I won't forget them.

One of the sweetest thing that a guy has ever done to me happens to be, again, linked with a song. It may sound corny but yes, I like corny sometimes. Heheheh.. (we girls like corny things sometimes -- trust me).

It was some time ago when Coldplay came to Singapore for their X&Y album's tour. As I love Coldplay so much, of course I wanted to go over there to see Chris sang live in front of me. But since I had no money at all, it was just a wishful thinking. The guy I was very close with back then went there to see the show. He actually offered me to come join him as he had the show's ticket to spare because his brother, who was supposed to go too, had to cancel his leaving due to work. But I couldn't afford my daily living costs back then, let alone afford airplane tickets and the wretched fiskal.

On the night of the concert, I received a call from him. When I answered, I couldn't really hear what he was saying. All I heard was just loud noises of crowd cheering and some music. So after a minute of, "Hello? Hellooo?", I cut the connection and sent him a message saying I couldn't hear him. After I sent that message, I noticed that I've received a message.. from him. And it goes like this:

"I'm gonna call but I can't speak. So please, just listen."

It was sent before the call. After that, he replied my previous message by saying that he called just to let me hear the band playing my favorite song, 'Fix Me' (the song has special meanings for me). My gawd, I was really touched -- it was so sweet. Too bad I didn't read the message earlier, it would be really nice hearing it even though it won't be too clear. It still makes me smile to this day everytime I remember it. Though our story ended in a sad and painful way, some sweet memories stayed alive inside me.

Now I'm still waiting for the first guy to ever bring me flowers. That should be memorable. Hahahah!

Have a nice Monday, people!

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

(Fix You - Coldplay)

Hope is Just A (-insert action here-) Away

Me and my sister did a marathon DVD nights last weekend. Genre: romance/comedy. And all movies happen to be based on chicklits.

On Friday we watched 27 Dresses after the so-called bachelorette party. On Saturday we watched P.S. I Love You. And on Sunday we watched The Nanny Diaries (it's my second time seeing it, but the first time I didn't really pay attention).

Romance films, especially romantic comedies, have always been one of my guilty pleasures. They're light, entertaining, don't require lots of thinking, are usually a feast for the eyes (because of the good looking casts), and most of all, they kept us dreaming -- of that so-called perfect love and that so-called prince charming. They are the modern versions of fairytales which tell the story of love and (mostly) happy endings.

By watching these kind of movies, we're swept away from reality for a few hours. Forget that you've been going solo for years. Forget that the guys you met (and sometimes dated) are mostly jerks. Forget that you've a knack for being involved in unhealthy complicated relationships all the time. Forget that you're single, broke, with credit card bills to pay. Forget every shit that's happening in the real world. Because in that few hours, the world seemed ever so sweet and perfect, and that all things bad will turn out good in the end.

These movies gave us hope. That there's a teensy weensy bit of chance that life would turn out as sweet as fairytale stories (or chicklits). Such is their charms and spells.

But then again, after the spell had lost its power, we'll be forced to face reality once more. And we came to re-realize many things:
1. That someone as perfect as Gerry (from P.S. I Love You) only existed in movies.

2. That a love as perfect as Gerry's only existed in movies.

3. That someone like Kevin (from 27 Dresses), also only existed in movies. He's a dream guy: bitter and sarcastic but at the same time sweet and thoughtful (sigh...).

4. That a cinderella tale like The Nanny Diaries only existed in movies.

5. That Gerard Butler is just oh-so-perfect -- the face, the body, the voice... hmmm.. yummy..! Uhm, okay, I'm steering off topic here (let's save my fantasies of Gerry only to myself).

Oh yes, reality sucks. Bohoo. But it's quite comforting to know that there are many ways to escape the dreadness of it.

When life gives you lemons, you make lemonades, or lemon meringue pie, or lemon sorbet, or tequila shots, or vodka sour (oh well, you get my point). When life gives you shit and nightmares, you can always turn to books and films, or others. It's only just a flip or a click away.


P.S. I (Not) Love You:
Contrary to popular beliefs, ahem, I mean contrary to my own expectations, I did not cry like a baby when I watched P.S. I Love You. Maybe because I watched it on DVD and I got so many distractions from people around me that the mood wasn't built well enough (try concentrating on a movie with someone nagging you and ranting on to you every second). On the other hand, I cried when I watched The Nanny Diaries. The part when Grayer was chasing the taxi that took Anny away with force is just heartbreaking. Out of all 3 movies, I found 27 Dresses as most entertaining, The Nanny Diaries as most eye-spoiling (great art direction, the transition from statues to humans and vice versa in the museum is superb), and P.S. I Love You as sweetest and most romantic (of course). Now I feel like reading the books (I've never read a chicklit before).

P.P.S. : I love love loveee Gerard Butler!

Abang Tukang Bakso, Mari-Mari Sini...

Di suatu siang yang panas terik, terlihat dua orang wanita pekerja yang fashionable (ciyeh) sedang duduk-duduk santai di sebuah gerai kopi internasional di sekitar gedung perkantoran di Kuningan. Ceritanya sih, 'melarikan diri' dari kantor saat jam makan siang heheheh... Lalu mengalirlah pembicaraan ngalor-ngidul super nggak penting di antara keduanya.

Wanita pertama (yang manis dan cute as a button):
"Jodoh itu seperti tukang bakso."

Wanita kedua (yang cukup manis juga walaupun nggak cute as a button):
"He? Lucu banget perumpamaannya. Kenapa?"

Wanita pertama:
"Iya. Jodoh itu seperti tukang bakso. Dicari nggak pernah lewat, giliran nggak dicari malah lewat melulu. Pas lagi hawa dingin-dingin, ngidam banget makan bakso kuah yang hangat-hangat, ditunggui kagak lewat-lewat. Sekalinya hawa lagi panas-panas edan, eh bisa banyak banget yang lewat sama gerobaknya."

Wanita kedua:
"Hueheheheh... bener juga ye, bok.."

Wanita pertama:
"Sama kayak jodoh. Kalo lo nyari-nyari, nggak bakalan dapet. Kalo pas lo lagi cuek banget, nggak mikirin sama sekali, eh pada dateng, malah kadang nggak cuman satu orang aja."

Wanita kedua:
"Huahahaha..! Sumpah, bok, keren abis. Perumpamaan lo ini harus gue post di blog gue hari ini."

Guys vs Presents

I couldn't agree more. It is really hard to shop for a guy's present -- at least based on my experience. Any kind of presents, be it Valentine's (if you're celebrating -- if not then that's better) or just a simple birthday present.

Thoughts and suggestions would be much appreciated. As long as you don't include high-end high-tech gadgets or cars. Hahah.. =)

Bittersweet Symphony

Monday, 18 February 2008, 08.50 a.m.

It was raining again this morning when I got out of the house for work. Looking out through the car window scattered with raindrops, my mind wandered off.

As I saw the cars and buildings along the road, I thought about my life - my state of being for the moment. Not that it's of any importance. It was nothing serious or depressing nor reflective - I was just daydreaming. My mood was content.

And then on the radio, I suddenly noticed this crystal clear voice, singing one too familiar song. The new version of Sempurna, sung by Gita Gutawa.

Kau begitu sempurna. Di mataku kau begitu indah. Kau membuat diriku akan slalu memujimu.
Di setiap langkahku. Ku kan slalu memikirkan dirimu. Tak bisa kubayangkan hidupku tanpa cintamu.

One very popular song with one too many memories in it. Hidden within the words, there was a brief story of us. And I can't help but be nostalgic about it. Reliving the past, revisiting the moments. Maybe this is what they call a bittersweet symphony.

And so as I saw the cars and buildings along the road, I though about my life - and I smiled at the uncertainties of it.

Janganlah kau tinggalkan diriku. Takkan mampu ku menghadapi semua. Hanya bersamamu ku akan bisa.
Kau adalah darahku. Kau adalah jantungku. Kau adalah hidupku, lengkapi diriku. Oh sayangku, kau begitu... Sempurna..

[Daily Sutra]: Nature Knows Best

Nature Knows Best

See how many desires you have had, and how many desires were not fulfilled, and how many desires you feel that way: when it was not fulfilled, it was good, "It was best for me." Don't you see this? Some desires which were not fulfilled, it was good for you. So, Nature knows what is best for you ...

So maybe it is best that you walked away. And I accepted that, with time.
But now you're back. And I couldn't ignore it when you came knocking once again.
Though you will only be here for a brief moment, before you finally walk away again.
That is something I am very much aware of. That is the risk I am taking myself into.
And one day I would see you not again. One day I would miss you yet again.
One day you will turn your back on me. And there will be no coming back for you, nor me..
Not again.. Not ever..

I Have Done So

Every once in a while, in life, we would meet someone that would leave a significant impact on us. Like footprints on sand on our hearts. Like ink on paper on our souls.

It is the smell that lingered around and stayed in the air, long after that person had vanished from our lives.

It happened sometime a year ago. Two hearts met amidst this weary world. I was broken and tired, seeking comfort in my solitary confinement. He was free and full of life, reaching out to the world vivaciously. I tried to avoid him with all my might. But I was drawn to his unlimited passion.

And before I realized, I’ve sank deep into that pair of brown eyes. Lost inside those seemingly bottomless hazel pools.

There was no escaping it.


He opened my eyes, made me saw the colors of life. He stirred my senses, got me in touch with the hidden passion I have. He awoken my dreams, made me realize I have so much to give.

But I was made of wood and earth, he was made of fire and wind. I did not know whether we would complement each other or whether one would destroy the other -or maybe destroy each other. What felt so right seemed so wrong.

I threw away logics and embraced that fire. The fire that later would burn me down to ashes. And because he was wind, one day he had to leave. I knew that, but I went on. And when he finally left, with trails of his soft breeze behind, the sky opened up and poured rain unto me. Covering my tears. Falling down, like scattered pieces of my dreams.

But that was then, now is now. Out of the ashes and tears, new hope flourished, growing tall and strong. And whenever a wind blows, I’d scatter my dust for it to bring, so parts of me would not be bound to stay put.

I have held. I have lost. I have laughed. I have cried. I have kissed. I have missed. And most of all, I have loved. Truly and deeply.

I have loved.

And I’m glad I did.

I was alone thinking I was just fine,
I wasn't looking for anyone to be mine.
I thought that love was just a fabrication,
a train that wouldn't stop at my station.
Home, alone, that was my consignment.
Solitary confinement.
So when we met, I was getting around you.
I didn't know I was looking for love until I found you.

(Looking For Love - Karen Ramirez)

Pain and Living

A few days ago I was chatting with a dear friend. And as usual, daily conversations then steered around guys, love, and the likes of it.

We’re very different, she and I. Me being the logical, analytical, critical, and (sometimes) too rational kind of mind; and her being the non-logical, emotional, and always-following-her feelings kind of mind. I often conceal my real feelings, trying to look in control and composed at all times; she’s the open book, you can tell her feelings by her actions.

That makes me, as one of my guy friends said, the ‘Ice Queen’: cold, steely, (too) calm, (too) composed, and emotion-less; thus I seem distant and hard to approach. She’s the social queen, everyone loves her warm, fun-loving, happy-go-lucky personality, spontaneity, and quirkiness.