Sad Poetry

Perhaps some are destined to forever write sad poetry,
like the waves who could never hold on to land.

Sad Girl

They looked at my face and told me,
"Moles near the eye, 
your life will be filled with tears."

I thought about how true they were
every night as I cried myself to sleep
thinking of a love lost at sea.

The Last Word

We used to share stories at night.

You would ask how my day was, and I would chat away about my boring meetings, this really good snack I had, some exciting events, or the annoying people I met. You would look into my eyes as I babble, sometimes smiling and making me feel awkward.

Now we never share stories at night.

Sometimes you would ask how my day was, and I would answer almost automatically with short mundane words. No more rooms for long babbles about my boring meetings, this really good snack I had, some exciting events, or the annoying people I met.

We used to have stories for each other. Now we hardly have words for each other.

And I lay on my bed every night in tears wondering what went wrong, as I slowly felt the words between us drying, until there is nothing left to say but perhaps a goodbye.

No Happy Endings

You know those romance flicks that's bittersweet? As in the story's so romantic but then it doesn't come with a happy ending because the characters have to part ways in the end. That somewhat hollow feeling I felt after the movie's over always sunk deep. Sometimes I carry it with me for weeks or months. Perhaps because deep down, I felt that ending is mine. That no matter how beautiful the love story is, I'll never have a happy ending. Maybe that's how we are now, forced to let go because out paths no longer meet.

(Listening to: Flaws by Vancouver Sleep Clinic, OST Before We Go)

Before We Go

Friday the 13th
Still up in the air, en route from NY to Dubai, 10pm

Just finished watching Before We Go. Directed by Chris Evans (and starring himself as a main cast), it's a romance flick set in Manhattan, NY. The timing couldn't be more fitting to see this, as I just left NY (hah!). I didn't have high expectations on this film, aside from drooling over Chris. But turned out I was swept away, and not just because of Chris and his blue eyes and his facial hair and... I can go on and on. 

Yes, his character is too good to be true, as is most male characters in romcoms, but I love the fact that it's not a happily ever after kind of fairy tale romance. It's bittersweet. It made me smile while trying to hold back tears. And the soundtrack is amazing, especially that piercing song at the end (which I need to find out).

It's about two strangers crossing each other unexpectedly, because it was meant to be. About two people opening up, getting to know each other while letting go of inhibitions, trusting each other and finally falling in love despite the uneventful circumstances.

It reminded me of how beautiful it is to find someone you can connect with, share stories with, laugh with, cry with, hug and kiss during the high's and low's. It reminded me that I had that with you but it feels like you're slowly slipping away, and I am missing those moments badly. So much it hurts and I am slowly paralysed.

There's an ocean between us, literally and figuratively, and it's getting bigger every second. Every pretty Manhattan scene in the film made me realise that I have been feeling so alone, and that it would've been even more perfect if I can experience NY together with you. One day. But I don't think we ever will. Because I can't really see where we're heading to. And I don't know if I can fight for something I'm not certain of.

Let Go

Perhaps the time has come
for me to give up.
For how can I compete
with the strong force
of the one
you gave your heart to.
The mesmerising sirens
of the ocean.

"Let go," they sang
with the harmony
of the rolling waves.
"You'll never win."

Slowly
I watched you drift away,
as my tears vanished 
into the blue.

Wake Me Up

Wake me up with kisses.
Wake me up with a smile.
Wake me up to life.

Softness

I looked into your eyes and saw them shine with a softness--and in that moment of warm tenderness, I felt a sharp pain in my chest, as a wave of nostalgia came crashing into the present shore.

That softness--I have seen it, I have felt it before. I saw it turned hard and cold with time; and how in return, it turned mine into sadness--as I shed tears longing for that tenderness to come back.

It never did.

Shooting Star

We lay together on the dock, underneath the dark sky speckled with shining white dots, listening to the calming sound of the moving water gently hitting the stone, sand, and whatever solid land they could reach for. The cold wind blowing from the sea to the land, making me shiver a bit as I pulled myself closer to you. And just as I blinked, two streaks of light shot through the sky. I held my breath in mild disbelief, wondering if I've really seen what I see.

"Make a wish!" you said.

I took a deep breath and silently read the first thing that came into my mind.

"I wish this moment would last forever."

Happier

The first time you whispered softly into my ears, "I love you," I froze in disbelief for a few seconds; thinking of how impossible this could be, afraid of yet another false hope and empty words. But you said it time and again--these words a force, gently yet firmly pushing my doors to open. And when you're finally inside, I realize that I am capable of writing happier poems.

Sated

Your kisses
flutter softly like
butterflies 
on flowers.

Your embrace
warm 
and soft
as spring's sun.

Your words
soothing as
a gentle breeze
rustling the leaves.

Your love
a cooling stream
--and my thirst 
is finally sated.

All and Everything

Because
I can not
not be
who
or what I am.
And that is
to give all
and everything
when I love
and truly loved.

Brevity #14: Pause

Sometimes when I lay in bed at night, I'd turn to the side to see the empty space and was reminded of how fast things change.

"Come here," you said one night, as you pulled me close to cradle me in your arms until we fall asleep. And I vividly remember the warmth of your breath, the firmness of your hand, the faint scent of soap on your skin, and the cooling calmness of the air. 

If only moments can be paused and replayed forever.

Brevity #13: Little Heart

Little heart,
worry not.
You are bigger
than you think you are.

Little heart,
fear not.
You are stronger
than you think you are.

Brevity #12: Numbed

Have you ever felt so paralyzed by pain and sadness that you could not react? Instead of crying, you just laughed. Because no matter how hurt you were, the tears refused to fall. You only felt this deep hollowness and you faced the world with a smile to hide your numbness. You functioned perfectly well, only without any passion nor feeling. You just felt disconnected and tired.

The fire in me has died again. Maybe this time I won't light it back.

Brevity #11: Lies

One of the meanest thing that you can do to someone else is to say "I love you" without ever meaning it. Always be true, always be honest, when it comes to matters of the heart. Because how can you not only betray her but also betray yourself as well? And sooner or later, truth will show its true form. For you may be able to deceit her for a long time, but you can never deceit yourself for that long.

Perhaps one of the reason why I did not want to let you go was because you were the first person in this world who ever said those words to me. And though I did not know how to answer or may not be feeling the same at the time, it felt like a soothing breeze. And I hold on to that magical line, while clinging on to you. Because I was afraid of being alone, yet again. I was blinded by fear.

So I guess in the end we both lied to each other and to ourselves.

Brevity #10: Realization

I have come to realize that perhaps, that glorious word the poets search for—written in the stars, painted between the sky and the ocean, inked among each sentence and paragraph—it is not written in my stars, nor it is painted between my sky and my ocean, though I often inked it among each my sentence and paragraph. Maybe that glorious word, Love, will never come to grace my world.

Brevity #9: Self Fulfilled Prophecy

In a flash,
I was struck
by blindness.

With a blow,
I was hit
by numbness.

I saw the signs.
Silent whispers
fluttered to my ears.

And so it is,
you fulfilled
that expectation.

Or perhaps,
I've fulfilled
that prophecy.

Synchronicity #3: When You Left

When you left last time, we shared long hugs and kisses. And I swear I could still smell your scent in my place for a few days after you walked out the door. Like a taste that lingered, refusing to dissipate. Like a phantom that wandered, not wanting to disappear.

What we thought was goodbye, was not.

Synchronicity happened once more and we crossed path again, albeit very briefly. And I found my world to be shaken once more, out of its equilibrium. Such is your power on me, such is your charm on me.

And then came another goodbye.

When you left this time, we shared long hugs and kisses. I rest my head on your shoulder, on the nook just under your neck that held my hopes and unspoken words. Your skin and beard brushed softly against my nose, and I breathe in deeply. The familiar faint scent of your cologne comforted me.

I breathe in deeply just to take it all in, in an attempt to absorb the moment more. This fleeting moment that may not come again. The world was on a standstill for a while, and I secretly wished it would stand still forever, if not for longer.

"You take care." You whispered softly into my ear, your voice caressing my soul, leaving an echo in my mind. 

When you left this time, we shared long hugs and kisses. And I was left wondering when will we sync again, as you walk away with another piece of me.

Goodbye. Perhaps this time it's forever.

Synchronicity #2: Tomorrow Will Be Better

I will savour the time we spent together. The few hours when we talked about this and that, when you showed me pictures of your sister riding a horse and of your dad doing silly moves on a motorbike because he was not pleased by you and your brother teasing him.

I will relive the time we spent together. The few hours when our lips met and our desire led us to explore each other, hungry for one another. When I feel your skin against mine, your fingers linking with mine. Your warm breath caressing the back of my neck, sending shivers down my spine as my blood rushed faster to make me feel dizzy, the air feels clammy as we find rapture and ecstasy in each other’s arms.

Tomorrow will be better because I have these beautiful moments to remember. Even though you're no longer here.

If it's meant to be, it will be