Discovering (My) Vocation - Part III

I thought I was into advertising, so my plan was to make a unique and attention-grabbing application to be sent out to top agencies in the town. I was getting offers and encouragements from my friends/seniors who were already in the industry. All I needed was to make the goddamned application. But I lingered on with my idleness, and ended up being a total slacker. And I lost my interest, and in the end lost my confidence. The momentum had gone, and I was back at square one – clueless.

So I thought of an easy way out – to study again. The problem with me is that I want to do too many things without the effort to stay focused one at a time. So I looked up on jewelry design, which I dropped because it would costs too much (from the school/study to the materials). Then I looked up on culinary art and cooking schools, which I dropped again because it was also expensive – I wanted to go into Le Cordon Bleu or maybe Seattle Art Institute.

There was no way I could afford something abroad, except China. China was a viable option.

[Coelho's] I Am Not Happy

A comment that is very often heard in interviews is: “ ... and now that you are a happy person ...”, which provokes the immediate reaction: “Did I say I was happy?”

I am not happy, and the quest for happiness as a principal objective is not part of my world. Of course, ever since I can remember, I have done what I felt like doing. That is why I was admitted three times to a psychiatric clinic, spent a few terrifying days in the dungeons of Brazil’s military dictatorship, and just as quickly lost and won friends and girlfriends. I walked down paths that, if I could turn back, I might avoid today, yet something always pushed me forward, and it certainly was not the quest for happiness. What interests me in life is curiosity, challenges, the good fight with its victories and defeats. I bear many a scar, but I also carry with me moments that never would have happened if I had not dared beyond my limits. I confront my fears and moments of loneliness, and I think that a happy person never goes through this.

But that is of the least importance: I am content. And contentedness is not exactly a synonym of happiness, which to me seems like a dull Sunday afternoon without any challenges, just rest that in a couple of hours grows into tedium, the same evening television programs, the prospect of Monday waiting with its routine.

Discovering (My) Vocation - Part II

One day, I saw the making of Michael Crichton’s Sphere (starring Sharon Stone and Samuel L. Jackson, if I’m not mistaken). It was a bad movie by the way, but I was drawn into the visual effects (CG) animation process. And decided that I’d like to do that. So I dropped my grade-A entry that I got at Binus and decided to go for design school at Untar instead, following my sister’s footsteps, and against my parents’ approval. Not knowing that it (CG) actually has everything to do with computers (and programming) – the result of lack of information, silly me.

By then, my sister was already a freshman in design school, with all the endless late nights-consuming art projects – things that my mother doubted I could do. Originally, (my sister) wanted to take fashion design – she was a true fashionista ever since she was a kid. But she decided otherwise because (fashion design) school was just so goddamn expensive. While I had been the star-student in the family – the good girl cum geeky nerd, she had always been the artist in the family – rebellious but gifted with such true talent.

Discovering (My) Vocation - Part I

What is your (true) passion?
What is it that you really want to do in life?

These questions have been haunting me, nagging me, for the last two years.

Some people are lucky enough to have found the answer to those questions. Some found it out early, some found it out late. Some never found it. And some, like me, are still searching – endlessly – for the answer, for our vocation. For that call that would make our life (more) meaningful.

It has been two years since I left school (university), and here I am now. Still nowhere. While around me, I see people that I know accomplishing things or paving their ways to it. I can’t help but feel (slightly) jealous. I feel like I’m still standing in the middle of a crossroad. I’ve taken a few courses, but I always stopped in the middle and returned back to square one, just because I felt that they weren’t the right courses. Or maybe it was just because I was (so) easily discouraged.

[Coelho's] Two Stories About Mountains: Contemplating The Desert

Contemplating the desert

Three people who were passing in a small caravan saw a man contemplating the sunset in the Sahara desert from the top of a mountain.

“It must be a shepherd who has lost a sheep and is trying to find it,” said the first.

“No, I don’t think he is looking for something, especially not at sunset - that confuses your vision. I think he is waiting for a friend.”

“I bet he’s a holy man looking for enlightenment,” commented the third.

They began to discuss what the man was doing, and got so involved in the discussion that they nearly ended up fighting with one another. Finally, to find out who was right, they decided to climb the mountain and ask the man.

“Are you looking for your sheep?” asked the first.

“No, I don’t have a flock.”