Longing for Silence

There are times when 
words are unnecessary,
superfluous and empty.

When silence is stronger,
holding more meanings
than a flood of words.

A silence that is comforting,
not awkward.
A silence that is warm,
not cold.

A silence that connects,
not detaches.
A silence that binds,
not breaks.

A silence that's intimate,
not strange.
A silence that's assuring,
not implausible.

And I long for that silence,
a loving silence.

Paris, 2011

One day, I'll find someone who will sit silently with me in a coffee shop. Where we would both be absorbed in our own books, lost in our own worlds, without ever feeling distant. Because we both know that we're connected in a way no words can describe, tied and secured by an invisible cord called "intimacy".

One day.

Running OS Ver 3.0

September 1st, 2012, was marked as the launching day of my OS ver 3.0.

Yep, I just got upgraded.

I entered 2012 wearily, with a slight hint of paranoia and panic. I'm sure most women can relate to this feeling. Tis the age where traditional society labels you as "old", and if you're single, an "old spinster". In a world where a woman's success is not valid unless she's married and accomplishment means "raising a family", career and practically other areas in life--no matter how important--are secondary. What matters is getting hitched and then procreate. As if women are bred into this world solely to become a baby factory.

After coming out of a 2.5 years relationship, just a few months before my birthday--with a very bitter aftertaste--I initially thought that my world would crumble. After all, I'm hitting 30 with no "future spouse" in sight. Dreams were shattered, hopes were broken, and memories were stained. I became a cynic once more, bitter in every sense--convinced that I would be alone for the rest of my life.

And yet when that day finally arrived, I only felt a certain stillness. Acceptance, perhaps, of what was meant to be. Common sense returned to give a clearer view of the big picture. And I remembered feeling free--a happiness like I've never felt before for the past year, when the relationship had already begun falling apart. I celebrated my big 3.0 with good friends and kicked into the new decade in a pair of killer heels (which I got from the ex but were too nice to be thrown away).

I'm a single 30 years old woman with a bright career, a loving family, and a band of supportive friends. Yes, I feel lonely sometimes--perhaps quite often--but it doesn't necessarily mean that I'm not happy. On the contrary, I'm happy with my choices and happy with where I am right now. Maybe not fulfilled nor content yet, but I don't feel miserable.

And that's more than enough.

Thank you, Boss, for the very thoughtful gift

Random Paragraph #2

A good book will lure you into its trap of words. Where you feed on sentence upon sentence --dot to dot, paragraph to paragraph. Refusing to put it down and longing to pick it up again as soon as you did. Yearning to come home to it like a longing to see your lover.

Latte Wisdom #1

As you grow older, you realize a "hunch" may not be just a hunch, but a memo from your experience.

It's nice to have something to look forward to, no matter how fragile or temporary it is.

When bad things happen to good people, it doesn't just "happen for a reason". It's just the B* (life) throwing sh*t at you. And that's that. If I see the perpetrator got hit by a lighting, then I'll admit there's a "hikmah" behind it. Wanna preach me about "hikmah"? Get me a bus so I can run over the asshole. We'll talk then.

Letter for the Old and New

Dear 2011,

You came along with lots of changes; small and big, good and bad. You've granted some of my wish from 2010 and even more. I traveled a lot, mostly to familiar places, but the highlight was the opportunity to finally see and experience bits of Europe. So yeah, you've been AMAZING. Thank you.


Dear 2012,

So I heard that you'll be rough around the edges for me. But oh well, I'll just have to keep calm and eat more cupcakes -while having more coffee or martini in between. I do hope traveling opportunities will still be present as this small wanderlust needs to be fed. Fingers crossed, I look forward to more positive things to come.


Sincerely,
Me