Friday, September 9, 2016

Sad Poetry

Perhaps some are destined to forever write sad poetry,
like the waves who could never hold on to land.

Thursday, September 1, 2016

They looked at my face and told me,
"Moles near the eye, 
your life will be filled with tears."

I thought about how true they were
every night as I cried myself to sleep
thinking of a love lost at sea.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

The Last Word

We used to share stories at night.

You would ask how my day was, and I would chat away about my boring meetings, this really good snack I had, some exciting events, or the annoying people I met. You would look into my eyes as I babble, sometimes smiling and making me feel awkward.

Now we never share stories at night.

Sometimes you would ask how my day was, and I would answer almost automatically with short mundane words. No more rooms for long babbles about my boring meetings, this really good snack I had, some exciting events, or the annoying people I met.

We used to have stories for each other. Now we hardly have words for each other.

And I lay on my bed every night in tears wondering what went wrong, as I slowly felt the words between us drying, until there is nothing left to say but perhaps a goodbye.

Thursday, June 16, 2016

No Happy Endings

You know those romance flicks that's bittersweet? As in the story's so romantic but then it doesn't come with a happy ending because the characters have to part ways in the end. That somewhat hollow feeling I felt after the movie's over always sunk deep. Sometimes I carry it with me for weeks or months. Perhaps because deep down, I felt that ending is mine. That no matter how beautiful the love story is, I'll never have a happy ending. Maybe that's how we are now, forced to let go because out paths no longer meet.

(Listening to: Flaws by Vancouver Sleep Clinic, OST Before We Go)

Friday, May 13, 2016

Before We Go

Friday the 13th
Still up in the air, en route from NY to Dubai, 10pm

Just finished watching Before We Go. Directed by Chris Evans (and starring himself as a main cast), it's a romance flick set in Manhattan, NY. The timing couldn't be more fitting to see this, as I just left NY (hah!). I didn't have high expectations on this film, aside from drooling over Chris. But turned out I was swept away, and not just because of Chris and his blue eyes and his facial hair and... I can go on and on. 

Yes, his character is too good to be true, as is most male characters in romcoms, but I love the fact that it's not a happily ever after kind of fairy tale romance. It's bittersweet. It made me smile while trying to hold back tears. And the soundtrack is amazing, especially that piercing song at the end (which I need to find out).

It's about two strangers crossing each other unexpectedly, because it was meant to be. About two people opening up, getting to know each other while letting go of inhibitions, trusting each other and finally falling in love despite the uneventful circumstances.

It reminded me of how beautiful it is to find someone you can connect with, share stories with, laugh with, cry with, hug and kiss during the high's and low's. It reminded me that I had that with you but it feels like you're slowly slipping away, and I am missing those moments badly. So much it hurts and I am slowly paralysed.

There's an ocean between us, literally and figuratively, and it's getting bigger every second. Every pretty Manhattan scene in the film made me realise that I have been feeling so alone, and that it would've been even more perfect if I can experience NY together with you. One day. But I don't think we ever will. Because I can't really see where we're heading to. And I don't know if I can fight for something I'm not certain of.


Friday the 13th 2016
Up in the air, NY-Dubai, Emirates

Re-watched Steve Jobs [the movie] again because I didn't catch the ending during Dubai-NY flight last week. Danny Boyle did a great job with the movie, and Fassbender is amazing as always (gawd, I love him). I like Jobs but I'm not his die hard fan or lover. I use macbook and now I use iPhone but well, I was never much of a tech junkie nor an applehead. He's a genius, yeah, but I never really dug into his biography or personal life news. 

The film explored this side a lot, especially about his strained relationship with his daughter. It showed this side of him which is far from perfect. He was quite a dick if you will; although I think his daughter's mom is such a shallow drama queen, I'm not surprised she was treated with such manner by Jobs. Anyway, as the movie moved towards its ending, I cried; when he tried, in his socially awkward way, to fix his relationship with his daughter. 

I have always been quite emotional and I got carried away quite easily with films and/or songs (I cried in some concerts). But I guess this one hit me right on my chest because in a way, I was reminded of my own strained relationship with my dad. 

He was quite a dick, to my mom and to his daughters. I grew up hating him, and then ignoring him. Until he passed away last year, we never really fixed things. Watching Jobs [Fassbender], I wondered if my dad had tried, but that I was too apathetic to accept his truce. 

It made me realize  that I am still resentful, and that I haven't really made peace with him or with myself. It made me realize that I missed a father figure, someone that I can be proud of. It made me realize that I envy those who has a strong and loving father figures, because I never felt that as a child.

Sunday, April 3, 2016

Let Go

Perhaps the time has come
for me to give up.
For how can I compete
with the strong force
of the one
you gave your heart to.
The mesmerising sirens
of the ocean.

"Let go," they sang
with the harmony
of the rolling waves.
"You'll never win."

I watched you drift away,
as my tears vanished 
into the blue.