"May your joys be as bright as the morning, and your sorrows merely be shadows that fade in the sunlight of love. May you have enough happiness to keep you sweet, enough trials to keep you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to keep you happy, enough failure to keep you humble, enough success to keep you eager, enough friends to give you comfort, enough faith and courage in yourself to banish sadness, enough wealth to meet your needs and one thing more; enough determination to make each day a wonderful day than the one before." -Irish blessing
I was cleaning up my toiletries one day when I accidentally dropped the lid of a ceramic pot that I used for storing cotton pads. It split and broke into two pieces, and I stood there for a millisecond to ponder on this small incident.
I thought, "Wouldn't it be nice if there's someone who could fix this for me?" I know it's an easy job--just glue it on and get it over with--but I was implying on a bigger part, in a bigger picture. I used to have a "handyman" around. He would offer to help fix things as he is fond of building things and fixing stuffs. After he's gone, there's basically no one around to extend a hand or ask for help.
I am alone.
This feeling became more obvious when I moved into my apartment. Even though I've been living alone for the past few years inside my small cramped rented room, being alone in a real living space (read: small apartment for one) is somewhat a bit different. Not just because I get to have a kitchen, a fridge, a proper bathroom, and so on, but also because I have to manage most household chores by myself. Last week, I managed to install the gas despite my paranoia and my being clueless, and earlier today I managed to lift and place a 19 liter water gallon into the dispenser (and mopped the flooded floor afterwards).
When I told my friend about my difficulties with the water gallon, he said, "Well, that's why most women get married. So that someone could lift it up for them." I chuckled at his sarcasm but I couldn't help thinking how true his words were.
Yes, I do want someone to be there for me to help with things. Fixing things, building things, and whatnot's. But most importantly, I want someone who could help me fix myself. Someone who would be there to hold me in his arms and fix my wings (or tail) when I am broken. Someone who would lift me up and clean my wounds when I tripped and fall along the way. Someone to hug me every morning before the day starts and to kiss me every night when the day ends. Someone who would hold my hand as we walk along side by side, despite the arguments and disagreements.
I'm comfortable being alone but I can't say that I like it all the time. Then again, who does? Even the most cynical and skeptical of the bunch don't enjoy it deep down (but they won't admit it of course, they'd say, "Who needs love? Not I."*). But for the moment, until my next "handyman" comes, alone will have to do. Alone will be fine.
If I managed to do some heavy chores by myself, then I sure as hell can endure more.
* "Oooh, darling, who needs love? Who needs a heaven up above? Who needs the clouds in the sky, not I." (Who Needs Love - Razorlight)
"I love sleep. My life has a tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?" -Ernest Hemingway
Indeed, Mr. Hemingway. Perhaps that's why I have trouble waking up every morning? (Excuses for the sloth). For now, I feel like I sleep with my eyes open and live the day with my eyes closed. As much as I want to see and feel everything, there are days when I long for nothing more than to live inside my dreams, even though I hardly remember any of them.
