On Being Expired

It was a gloomy morning today when I came into the office. The sky had been shedding tears since dawn, and the streets were empty because most people have gone out for a long vacation.

I walked in half expecting the new elevator to (finally) be installed, but sadly I was relying on yet another false hope. It has been more than a month since they worked on revamping the elevator and since then, we had to climb the stairs everyday to 5th floor -- a few times a day of course -- and sometimes with loads of baggage in our hands.

As I was reaching the 5th floor (which is the top floor, by the way), my eyes were drawn to the foremost newspaper which was hanged on the newspaper rack in the mini lobby area. Which was rather unusual since it never happened before as I'm not a newspaper person -- I barely touched them. But on this particular morning, it just happened. It was The Jakarta Post and on it was this headline: Benazir Bhutto Assassinated.

I was stunned. I walked closer, picked it up, and read the news right then and there.

[Coelho's] Convention of Those Wounded in Love

General provisions:

A – Whereas the saying “all is fair in love and war” is absolutely correct;

B – Whereas for war we have the Geneva Convention, approved on 22 August 1864, which provides for those wounded in the battle field, but until now no convention has been signed concerning those wounded in love, who are far greater in number;

It is hereby decreed that:

Article 1 – All lovers, of any sex, are alerted that love, besides being a blessing, is also something extremely dangerous, unpredictable and capable of causing serious damage. Consequently, anyone planning to love should be aware that they are exposing their body and soul to various types of wounds, and that they shall not be able to blame their partner at any moment, since the risk is the same for both.

Freedom

I am convinced that no one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone.
That is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the World without owning it.
-Paulo Coelho-


Soon
my darling
freedom shall come
soon

I will brace myself
for that day
Approaching too soon
than expected

And then
Goodbye

This time's for real

[Daily Sutra]: Nature Knows Best

Nature Knows Best

See how many desires you have had, and how many desires were not fulfilled, and how many desires you feel that way: when it was not fulfilled, it was good, "It was best for me." Don't you see this? Some desires which were not fulfilled, it was good for you. So, Nature knows what is best for you ...

So maybe it is best that you walked away. And I accepted that, with time.
But now you're back. And I couldn't ignore it when you came knocking once again.
Though you will only be here for a brief moment, before you finally walk away again.
That is something I am very much aware of. That is the risk I am taking myself into.
And one day I would see you not again. One day I would miss you yet again.
One day you will turn your back on me. And there will be no coming back for you, nor me..
Not again.. Not ever..

8 (Random) Facts and/or Habits About Moi

Yeah, I've been tagged (thanks to Vilia).. huhuw.. ;P

It is my 1st day back in the office and we (the team) are still in holiday mood, at least until tomorrow I suppose. I, ahem.., I mean we are not doing anything serious (read: work) other than engaging ourselves in front of the computer, sending gifts, iDescribe-ing, or poking friends on facebook.. hahahah.. such is the perfect working environment.. (yeah right, Marge.. you wish!) ;)

And as some of you have probably noticed, I haven't posted anything for a while now (more than a month). Ever since I started work, I was so tied down with my tasks and activities that I didn't really have enough energy (or will, for that matter..) to write. Not that I don't have the time, really, but most of the times I'm just too lazy to think. Writing, for me, requires a lot of thinking too -- even though it's just my daily routines or activities I'm writing about.. One could say I went brain-numb (can't really say it as writer's block as I'm not a writer -- yet).. =P

So this little game is probably a good start. Hopefully after this I'll be able to post (more) frequently on my blog.. It's been so dead lately.. hahah.. ^^'

Need vs Want

What is the difference between need and want?

Need is something that we should have – it is based on necessity. Want is something we think we should have – it is based on desire.

For instance, I need :

1. A job – a good (and fun) job that allows me to give my full potentials and at the same time develops it to a new level, or maybe unfold the hidden potentials in me. Sounds too perfect? You bet.

2. An external hard disk – a big one, say, like 80GB (at least), to store all my files and leave my iBook’s almost-full-hard-disk more space in order to work more efficiently. It’s littered mainly with music files, movies, and pictures and is taking forever to render just one frikkin’ .psd file.

3. A digital camera – just a simple one, like Canon A3 or A4 powershot. I lost my Sony while traveling in Hong Kong and haven’t been able to document a lot of silly, absurd, and nonsensical aspects of my life since. No, I don’t see taking loads of pictures as being narcissistic. In fact, I used to hate the camera. But now, I see it as a way to freeze-hold memories (what I’ve done, where I’ve been, what I’ve seen), however artificial it may seem. Human brain won’t work the same forever and, sooner or later, it’ll lose its capabilities to hold memories.

04.40 am

Tick Tock
Nothing but the clock
Silence
Eating up my mind
Darkness
Consuming my thoughts
Wondering
Why I keep falling for the wind

Discovering (My) Vocation - Part V

At first I thought the job would be related to fashion in a way. But as always, I was wrong. It was almost on the bottom-most list of the fashion industry. We were just the manufacturing company. The mediator.

Oh well, I told myself that, “Hey, at least they’re still related, even though just a tiny bit.” I thought I was going to enjoy the job. But again, I was wrong. (Garment) merchandising, simply put, is all about managing timeline. That includes productions, communicating with the buyers and suppliers, and some administrative tasks. I spent 80% of my day in front of the computer, sending and reading emails. I was trapped inside my inbox.

It wasn’t a really difficult job. It was bland. Boring. I didn’t despise it, but after only a few weeks of dealing with trims (buttons, threads, patches, and so on), payments, and shipping schedules, it got so damn boring. But nevertheless, I stuck with it, thinking that I should stay and learn more. Trying to keep myself interested.

I Have Done So

Every once in a while, in life, we would meet someone that would leave a significant impact on us. Like footprints on sand on our hearts. Like ink on paper on our souls.

It is the smell that lingered around and stayed in the air, long after that person had vanished from our lives.

It happened sometime a year ago. Two hearts met amidst this weary world. I was broken and tired, seeking comfort in my solitary confinement. He was free and full of life, reaching out to the world vivaciously. I tried to avoid him with all my might. But I was drawn to his unlimited passion.

And before I realized, I’ve sank deep into that pair of brown eyes. Lost inside those seemingly bottomless hazel pools.

There was no escaping it.


He opened my eyes, made me saw the colors of life. He stirred my senses, got me in touch with the hidden passion I have. He awoken my dreams, made me realize I have so much to give.

But I was made of wood and earth, he was made of fire and wind. I did not know whether we would complement each other or whether one would destroy the other -or maybe destroy each other. What felt so right seemed so wrong.

I threw away logics and embraced that fire. The fire that later would burn me down to ashes. And because he was wind, one day he had to leave. I knew that, but I went on. And when he finally left, with trails of his soft breeze behind, the sky opened up and poured rain unto me. Covering my tears. Falling down, like scattered pieces of my dreams.

But that was then, now is now. Out of the ashes and tears, new hope flourished, growing tall and strong. And whenever a wind blows, I’d scatter my dust for it to bring, so parts of me would not be bound to stay put.

I have held. I have lost. I have laughed. I have cried. I have kissed. I have missed. And most of all, I have loved. Truly and deeply.

I have loved.

And I’m glad I did.

I was alone thinking I was just fine,
I wasn't looking for anyone to be mine.
I thought that love was just a fabrication,
a train that wouldn't stop at my station.
Home, alone, that was my consignment.
Solitary confinement.
So when we met, I was getting around you.
I didn't know I was looking for love until I found you.

(Looking For Love - Karen Ramirez)

Discovering (My) Vocation - Part IV

Then, I made a foolish decision to postpone my study to get involved with an *gasps!* MLM business. I was unemployed by that time and, like many people, fell into the trap of the (seemingly) fast and easy instant rewards promised by this sort of business. It was a thing that I sometime still regret until now.

Well, not that this kind of business is impossible. It is possible, I’ve seen many living proofs (my uplines, that is), but it takes a lot of hard work, determination, and patience. While I agree that all work requires those 3 traits, the ones that this business demanded were more than what I imagined. After around 6 months being plunged into the business, I came to my senses and decided to put it down. It was definitely not my cup of tea.

So what did I get after all those months?

An Auspicious Start

I think all of us, if we have an option now, would choose not to grow up.

I, of course, don’t want to. As a child, I always wanted to grow up. But now, more than ever, I hate being an adult. I loathe the package called ‘responsibilities’ that comes with it. Selfish? I know. Shallow? Maybe. Childish? Most definitely.

I sometimes wish that Peter Pan would come to my window and just scoop me away to Neverland. Where I would remain a child. Where I could run free with my imagination. Not being stuck with the troubles of the (adult) world.

But then again, we all have to face reality. *Sigh..* And just try to find or make our own Neverland in this crazy world.

Discovering (My) Vocation - Part III

I thought I was into advertising, so my plan was to make a unique and attention-grabbing application to be sent out to top agencies in the town. I was getting offers and encouragements from my friends/seniors who were already in the industry. All I needed was to make the goddamned application. But I lingered on with my idleness, and ended up being a total slacker. And I lost my interest, and in the end lost my confidence. The momentum had gone, and I was back at square one – clueless.

So I thought of an easy way out – to study again. The problem with me is that I want to do too many things without the effort to stay focused one at a time. So I looked up on jewelry design, which I dropped because it would costs too much (from the school/study to the materials). Then I looked up on culinary art and cooking schools, which I dropped again because it was also expensive – I wanted to go into Le Cordon Bleu or maybe Seattle Art Institute.

There was no way I could afford something abroad, except China. China was a viable option.

[Coelho's] I Am Not Happy

A comment that is very often heard in interviews is: “ ... and now that you are a happy person ...”, which provokes the immediate reaction: “Did I say I was happy?”

I am not happy, and the quest for happiness as a principal objective is not part of my world. Of course, ever since I can remember, I have done what I felt like doing. That is why I was admitted three times to a psychiatric clinic, spent a few terrifying days in the dungeons of Brazil’s military dictatorship, and just as quickly lost and won friends and girlfriends. I walked down paths that, if I could turn back, I might avoid today, yet something always pushed me forward, and it certainly was not the quest for happiness. What interests me in life is curiosity, challenges, the good fight with its victories and defeats. I bear many a scar, but I also carry with me moments that never would have happened if I had not dared beyond my limits. I confront my fears and moments of loneliness, and I think that a happy person never goes through this.

But that is of the least importance: I am content. And contentedness is not exactly a synonym of happiness, which to me seems like a dull Sunday afternoon without any challenges, just rest that in a couple of hours grows into tedium, the same evening television programs, the prospect of Monday waiting with its routine.

Discovering (My) Vocation - Part II

One day, I saw the making of Michael Crichton’s Sphere (starring Sharon Stone and Samuel L. Jackson, if I’m not mistaken). It was a bad movie by the way, but I was drawn into the visual effects (CG) animation process. And decided that I’d like to do that. So I dropped my grade-A entry that I got at Binus and decided to go for design school at Untar instead, following my sister’s footsteps, and against my parents’ approval. Not knowing that it (CG) actually has everything to do with computers (and programming) – the result of lack of information, silly me.

By then, my sister was already a freshman in design school, with all the endless late nights-consuming art projects – things that my mother doubted I could do. Originally, (my sister) wanted to take fashion design – she was a true fashionista ever since she was a kid. But she decided otherwise because (fashion design) school was just so goddamn expensive. While I had been the star-student in the family – the good girl cum geeky nerd, she had always been the artist in the family – rebellious but gifted with such true talent.

Discovering (My) Vocation - Part I

What is your (true) passion?
What is it that you really want to do in life?

These questions have been haunting me, nagging me, for the last two years.

Some people are lucky enough to have found the answer to those questions. Some found it out early, some found it out late. Some never found it. And some, like me, are still searching – endlessly – for the answer, for our vocation. For that call that would make our life (more) meaningful.

It has been two years since I left school (university), and here I am now. Still nowhere. While around me, I see people that I know accomplishing things or paving their ways to it. I can’t help but feel (slightly) jealous. I feel like I’m still standing in the middle of a crossroad. I’ve taken a few courses, but I always stopped in the middle and returned back to square one, just because I felt that they weren’t the right courses. Or maybe it was just because I was (so) easily discouraged.

[Coelho's] Two Stories About Mountains: Contemplating The Desert

Contemplating the desert

Three people who were passing in a small caravan saw a man contemplating the sunset in the Sahara desert from the top of a mountain.

“It must be a shepherd who has lost a sheep and is trying to find it,” said the first.

“No, I don’t think he is looking for something, especially not at sunset - that confuses your vision. I think he is waiting for a friend.”

“I bet he’s a holy man looking for enlightenment,” commented the third.

They began to discuss what the man was doing, and got so involved in the discussion that they nearly ended up fighting with one another. Finally, to find out who was right, they decided to climb the mountain and ask the man.

“Are you looking for your sheep?” asked the first.

“No, I don’t have a flock.”

The Circle of Life: What is Acceptable and What is Not?

Once upon a time, not so long ago, I received an email containing a file with pictures of the sacred Tibetan burial ritual, the Celestial Burial.

Celestial burial refers to the Tibetan tradition of feeding the dead to vultures and other birds of prey on mountaintops. The body is first ripped open, mutilated, and then squashed with a large hammer to ‘soften’ – I forgot the exact term for this – the bones, before it was finally devoured by vultures.

It is closely related to the Buddhist practice in the Himalayan region. Buddhists believe in the recycling of life. The dead person's spirit is believed to leave the body upon death. His body is fed to the birds of prey as a final token of charity. (Xinhua News Agency January 12, 2006)

(SFX: ‘The Circle of Life’ - Elton John)

Some people may see this ritual as savage. Brutal. Primitive. Mean. Inexplicable. Someone told me that, even though he thinks the value/thought behind the ritual is good, the act’s still unacceptable.

I wonder.. Is it?

Interesting Facts

Here’s some random interesting facts I’ve gotten to know quite recently, over a few course of conversations with a few interesting characters.. =)

Indonesia’s spy agency is actually listed as one of the top 10 best spy agencies in the world. I forgot the exact rank. But if I’m not mistaken, we’re on the top 5 (Number one is of course Mossad). Wow.. I was really surprised when my friend – who’s a military freak – told me that. I mean, who would’ve thought?

‘Tara’ means star (from Sanskrit I think, or maybe Hindi, not sure..). Beautiful option for a name, which a friend of mine used for his pretty little daughter.

History crash-course! Islam was actually brought into our country by Chinese (via The Silk Road). And the Wali Songo are Chinese (well, at least half of them). Wow.. turned out we brought in something more than just noodles and wontons, huh?

Lessons and Reasons

It’s amazing how a painful experience could actually heal. Ever since I got that slap in the face, I felt my days are sunnier and my steps lighter. I can feel the fog lifting up slowly from above me and I’m not as gloomy as before.

I am accepting.

Now I can truly dance with joy as I walk through this path, stop to absorb the beauty of my surroundings, to smell the flowers, and to feel the warmth of the sun in my face.

Sure I may feel a little grief and sadness swept over me at times but it’s not as strong as it used to be. I know that I can truly feel happy for him if he had found his happiness – well, maybe slightly envious to the lucky queen -- but I will smile from my heart.

I’ve grown up a bit in a few days. All thanks to him.

Thank you for being the wind that brought the comforting breeze to my heart. Thank you for being the river that flowed through my dried heart. And thank you for being my butterfly. You rested briefly here in my heart, but your short sweet visit had opened up my eyes n taught me how to feel once again.

And I thank the universe for letting us cross each other’s path.

Nothing in this world is a coincidence. Everything that happened is simply inevitable. All things, good or bad, happen for a reason. And I think I’ve found my reason.

Slap!

I always thought I would be ready to hear it. But I guess I'm not. Im not strong. And these tears just refused to stop flowing. And this pain just refused to go away. I'm not ready. I guess I'll never be ready.

Slap me in the face. Wake me up with the pain. After that I'll walk away from this dream. After that I'll let go of the memories.

And so, when that day comes. Pray my tears for you have dried out. Pray I'll be strong enough to smile at you. Pray I'll truly feel happy for you.

Mommy

Mother’s day’s around the corner again. And I’m sitting here, contemplating.. How many times have I failed my mum, disappoint her, hurt her? So many times that I’ve lost count. How many times have I made her smile, made her proud, made her happy? So very few..

But still, it’s amazing how she’s always there beside me. Even though sometimes I failed to realize it, even though sometimes I forget, even though many times I just take her for granted. It’s amazing how she still loves me. Even though I hurt her and made her cry, even though I disappoint her, even though I failed her.

Sure, we both have a lot in common. After all, we’re mother and daughter. I’m stubborn, she’s stubborn. I like to have things my way, she likes to have things her way -- or if not, she just can’t understand my way. She raised her voice while arguing, I raised my voice in return. She’s a shopaholic, I’m a shopaholic (haha..).

In This (My) World of Maybe's

They say you have to hit rock bottom in order to bounce back. But seems I’ve hit rock bottom but I’m still stuck here. Seems I’ve lost the energy to bounce back.

Or maybe I just haven’t hit rock bottom. I’m still falling. Or maybe I’ve hit rock bottom. But instead of bouncing up, I just dig deeper into the ground.

You say it’s unfair if we’re together. So why did you come close to me? Have you ever thought about that in the beginning? And after you’ve dived too deep, did you really think you can leave the water without any ripple? And after you’ve carved your name, did you really think you can walk away without leaving any scar? 

Maybe you did. Maybe you didn’t. Maybe you were being true. Maybe you were full of lies. I could be the one who’s out-of-reach. Or I could be just another name in your lil’ black book. 

Whichever, I guess I’ll never know for sure.

In Time

Should I just ignore you
So I could hate you
So I could forget you

Or should I hate you first
So I could ignore you
So I could forget you

Ignore you in order to forget you
Hate you in order to forget you
But none seems to work..

And I’m still here

Trying to ignore
Trying to hate
Trying to forget

When all there is to do
Is to accept

In time I will

Hate You

Maybe it would be better if I could just hate you.
Maybe it would be easier if I could just hate you.
Hate you. Hate you. Hate you to the bones.

But that is just one thing
I'm incapable of.

You were a phantom then. You are a shadow now.
You haunt my dreams. You linger in my mind.
I'm still holding on to memories. Grasping mere illusions.

I think of you then.
I still think of you now.

What They Say and What They Actually Mean

Two supposedly-independent-and-witty women who are clueless about relationships got together every other nite on MSN. One is a cynical bitch who lives in the States, another is a sarcastic ass-kicker who lives in J-Town.

Every now and then they would talk of the relationships or, mostly, the relationshiTs they had. On one of those nights, they discussed about the familiar n cliché excuses tht a guy would use to dump a girl, and the actual reasons behind them. So here goes, just a few examples.

“I love you, but I don’t want to hurt you anymore”
Translation :
“I don’t love you anymore. Period.”

“It’s not you, Babe, it’s me.”
Translation :
“It IS you.”

Too Close

I have been tricked by flying too close
to what I thought I loved.

Now the candleflame is out, the wine spilled,
and the lovers have withdrawn
somewhere beyond my squinting.

The amount I thought I'd won, I've lost.
My prayers becomes bitter and all about blindness.

How wonderful it was to be for a while
with those who surrender.

Others only turn their faces on way,
then another, like pigeon in flight.

I have known pigeons who fly in a nowhere,
and birds that eat grainlessness,

and tailor who sew beautiful clothes
by tearing them to pieces.


- Rumi -

Advice of The Day: Commitment

Gals, here's a good piece of advice for the day :

If you want commitment, get a dog. It's the closest thing you can get to it. Why?

Here's just a few reasons :

1. They're cute!
2. They're definitely LOYAL. Can't argue with that!
3. If you love them, they'll love you back - it's as simple as that.
4. They won't freak out & runaway. (Hellooo, caling out all commitment-freaks?!)
5. They won't, or can't, dump you.
6. They won't disappear into thin air & pretend you don't exist anymore.
7. They won't take you for granted.
8. They will never get bored of you.

Need anymore reasons?


p.s.: posted esp. for Mr. Shanghai PIMP =P
Thx for the endless insomniac chats about life and love (in general) *LOL*

The Horizon

I'm seeing this beauty on front of me
The beauty of Mother Nature

Weariness swept through my heart
As the wave rolled and broke into the sand

Serenity enveloped my soul
But it brought with it numbing emptiness

For I am sharing this wonder
With none but my own shadow

And I could not help but wish
Wishing for nothing but for you to be here

Side by side, soul to soul
But you're not here...

And between you and I
We were only separated by this vast horizon...

Lingos You Should Know (2007)

* SALAD DODGER
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

* TESTICULATING
Waving your arms around and talking cr@p.

* BLAMESTORMING
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a Project failed, and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, cr@ps on everything, and then leaves.

* ASSMOSIS
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

Incomplete and Infinite

Love is incomplete. And it will have to remain incomplete. If it completes, it finds an end. Whatever is completed, whatever is full, total, that means you have marked the boundaries, you have found its limitations. For love to be infinite, it has got to be incomplete. Whatever is incomplete is infinite.

Don't Take It Seriously

Take life not serious. If you take life very serious, then you are bound to be disturbed. The only way you can maintain your equanimity is to take it as a play, as a game, and not take anything too serious.

So Near Yet So Far

Funny thing, this world
Two souls collide into each other
Only to know they can never be one

Like looking through a mirror
Their souls reflect each other's
But they can never cross to each other's side

So near
So close
Yet so far