Discovering (My) Vocation - Part IV

Then, I made a foolish decision to postpone my study to get involved with an *gasps!* MLM business. I was unemployed by that time and, like many people, fell into the trap of the (seemingly) fast and easy instant rewards promised by this sort of business. It was a thing that I sometime still regret until now.

Well, not that this kind of business is impossible. It is possible, I’ve seen many living proofs (my uplines, that is), but it takes a lot of hard work, determination, and patience. While I agree that all work requires those 3 traits, the ones that this business demanded were more than what I imagined. After around 6 months being plunged into the business, I came to my senses and decided to put it down. It was definitely not my cup of tea.

So what did I get after all those months?

An Auspicious Start

I think all of us, if we have an option now, would choose not to grow up.

I, of course, don’t want to. As a child, I always wanted to grow up. But now, more than ever, I hate being an adult. I loathe the package called ‘responsibilities’ that comes with it. Selfish? I know. Shallow? Maybe. Childish? Most definitely.

I sometimes wish that Peter Pan would come to my window and just scoop me away to Neverland. Where I would remain a child. Where I could run free with my imagination. Not being stuck with the troubles of the (adult) world.

But then again, we all have to face reality. *Sigh..* And just try to find or make our own Neverland in this crazy world.

Discovering (My) Vocation - Part III

I thought I was into advertising, so my plan was to make a unique and attention-grabbing application to be sent out to top agencies in the town. I was getting offers and encouragements from my friends/seniors who were already in the industry. All I needed was to make the goddamned application. But I lingered on with my idleness, and ended up being a total slacker. And I lost my interest, and in the end lost my confidence. The momentum had gone, and I was back at square one – clueless.

So I thought of an easy way out – to study again. The problem with me is that I want to do too many things without the effort to stay focused one at a time. So I looked up on jewelry design, which I dropped because it would costs too much (from the school/study to the materials). Then I looked up on culinary art and cooking schools, which I dropped again because it was also expensive – I wanted to go into Le Cordon Bleu or maybe Seattle Art Institute.

There was no way I could afford something abroad, except China. China was a viable option.

[Coelho's] I Am Not Happy

A comment that is very often heard in interviews is: “ ... and now that you are a happy person ...”, which provokes the immediate reaction: “Did I say I was happy?”

I am not happy, and the quest for happiness as a principal objective is not part of my world. Of course, ever since I can remember, I have done what I felt like doing. That is why I was admitted three times to a psychiatric clinic, spent a few terrifying days in the dungeons of Brazil’s military dictatorship, and just as quickly lost and won friends and girlfriends. I walked down paths that, if I could turn back, I might avoid today, yet something always pushed me forward, and it certainly was not the quest for happiness. What interests me in life is curiosity, challenges, the good fight with its victories and defeats. I bear many a scar, but I also carry with me moments that never would have happened if I had not dared beyond my limits. I confront my fears and moments of loneliness, and I think that a happy person never goes through this.

But that is of the least importance: I am content. And contentedness is not exactly a synonym of happiness, which to me seems like a dull Sunday afternoon without any challenges, just rest that in a couple of hours grows into tedium, the same evening television programs, the prospect of Monday waiting with its routine.

Discovering (My) Vocation - Part II

One day, I saw the making of Michael Crichton’s Sphere (starring Sharon Stone and Samuel L. Jackson, if I’m not mistaken). It was a bad movie by the way, but I was drawn into the visual effects (CG) animation process. And decided that I’d like to do that. So I dropped my grade-A entry that I got at Binus and decided to go for design school at Untar instead, following my sister’s footsteps, and against my parents’ approval. Not knowing that it (CG) actually has everything to do with computers (and programming) – the result of lack of information, silly me.

By then, my sister was already a freshman in design school, with all the endless late nights-consuming art projects – things that my mother doubted I could do. Originally, (my sister) wanted to take fashion design – she was a true fashionista ever since she was a kid. But she decided otherwise because (fashion design) school was just so goddamn expensive. While I had been the star-student in the family – the good girl cum geeky nerd, she had always been the artist in the family – rebellious but gifted with such true talent.

Discovering (My) Vocation - Part I

What is your (true) passion?
What is it that you really want to do in life?

These questions have been haunting me, nagging me, for the last two years.

Some people are lucky enough to have found the answer to those questions. Some found it out early, some found it out late. Some never found it. And some, like me, are still searching – endlessly – for the answer, for our vocation. For that call that would make our life (more) meaningful.

It has been two years since I left school (university), and here I am now. Still nowhere. While around me, I see people that I know accomplishing things or paving their ways to it. I can’t help but feel (slightly) jealous. I feel like I’m still standing in the middle of a crossroad. I’ve taken a few courses, but I always stopped in the middle and returned back to square one, just because I felt that they weren’t the right courses. Or maybe it was just because I was (so) easily discouraged.