Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Pain and Living

A few days ago I was chatting with a dear friend. And as usual, daily conversations then steered around guys, love, and the likes of it.

We’re very different, she and I. Me being the logical, analytical, critical, and (sometimes) too rational kind of mind; and her being the non-logical, emotional, and always-following-her feelings kind of mind. I often conceal my real feelings, trying to look in control and composed at all times; she’s the open book, you can tell her feelings by her actions.

That makes me, as one of my guy friends said, the ‘Ice Queen’: cold, steely, (too) calm, (too) composed, and emotion-less; thus I seem distant and hard to approach. She’s the social queen, everyone loves her warm, fun-loving, happy-go-lucky personality, spontaneity, and quirkiness.

While it’s quite easy to be friends with me, it’s very hard to penetrate deeper. I love meeting new people and having lots of friends, but I have a tendency to shut people from going too close or deeper into my heart. Back in college, all I wanted was just to have fun and enjoy my life, enjoy my freedom. So I never gave any thought about this kind of stuff, too fussy and troublesome. 

As time goes, I became someone who’s so used to being alone and doing everything alone that I didn’t really think I needed someone beside me. I forgot how it felt to have a special someone by my side. I forgot how to treat them specially, to be exact. I’m just so used of thinking for myself only, and not having to compromise with anyone except myself.

I realized this of course. And come to think of it, the real reason is very simple. Like so many people, I’m just scared of getting hurt. I’ve gone through some dark and sad moments during my younger years. The experience affects me a lot, until now I guess I’m still in trauma. It made me a cynical, skeptical, and pessimistic person. It made me protect myself. I didn’t believe in love. I still don’t know if I do now. I think sometimes it’s overrated. In fact, I think and worry too much (it’s just so typical Virgo).

As for my dear friend, she always goes with her heart. Following its voices. Although she experienced a lot of pain because of that, but I don’t think she has any regrets. She’s just living life to the fullest, taking chances and taking risks. No matter how many times she said she’s done with all that; no matter how loud her head tells her that it’s wrong, that it won’t work out, that it’s impossible; in the end her head always loses the battle against her heart. And she ended up being hurt, again.

She said she wished she was me, always cautious and full of thoughts, then maybe she won’t be hurt (by guys) so many times. I said I wished I was her, carefree and living to the max with no worries, then maybe life would be much more simple.

Well, the grass is always greener on the other side.

But no matter how logical one can be, I’ve learned that you can’t logic your heart. It works in a completely strange way, we can never understand or rationalize it. You can’t choose who you fall with. When it happens, it just comes without any warning. So, might as well take chances and take risks.

And for sure, that's what I’m trying to do now. I’m trying to change. I just go with the flow, and try to loosen up a bit. Que sera sera - whatever will be, will be. Maybe not too radical, but I’m taking one step at a time.

Opening up can be good. Being hurt can be good. Feeling pain can be good. Cause only when you feel the pain, you know your heart’s still alive. It can still feel. And that pain will only make you stronger. If you never feel pain then that means you never really lived.

We can’t avoid getting hurt. Only the lucky ones can escape it, but I’m sure no one’s ever that lucky.


P.S. : to my dear friend, if you happen to read this blog and realized I was talking about you, I just want to say that I consider yourself to be very lucky, cos you've lived your life. While I was practically half-dead =P *LOL*

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