The Skinny Obsession

I have to admit, there was a time when I was very obsessed with my weight/shape. Though my obsession never led me anywhere near that ‘perfection’.

Back when I was a younger, I never really had an issue with my weight – despite being called fatty at home and was told not to snack or being denied of second helpings during mealtimes. I couldn’t care less. I was a relatively skinny girl when I was in primary school, and I gained a bit of weight on the way to secondary school. 

Then I went for a two weeks holiday trip to U.S.A. with my sister and grandparents. All we did in that tour were just sit, sleep (inside the bus), and eat – mostly in those fat-and-carb-loaded American buffets. Needless to say, I gained a (very) significant amount of weight during that short time. By the time I came back to Jakarta, I've put in an additional 6 kg. 

Everyone was shocked to see the 'new' me while I didn't notice a lot of change. I didn't feel anything bad, really. After all, I was not obese – though my family made quite a big fuss about it and repeatedly asked me to stop eating and to lose weight. I was more concerned with my complexion rather than my shape.

That all changed when I was a sophomore in high school.

It started off rather accidentally. At one period, I was staying out quite late for sweet 17 birthday parties. And I don’t know why, but I lost a bit of weight. Maybe it’s because of the lack of sleep or the exhaustion But it started a new chapter for me – the dieting chapter. 

After losing that bit of weight (just a mere 1 kg), I told myself, “Hey, let’s do this! I think I could lose more weight.” And just as easy as that, I went through a very strict diet plan. I didn’t snack at all and I’d skip meals – especially dinners, replacing them with an apple at times. After school, I’d stay in and slept most of the times, because I had no energy. It worked well – I lost 6 kg’s in 6 months, from 51 kg to 45 kg – which was just the right healthy weight for my 158 cm height. After that, I started eating normally again, though I kept an eye – like a hawk – on everything I ate, from portion control to calorie counting.

Things went out of control when I started being obsessed with being thin – and thinner.

It was back in college years. I was known as Ms. Health Freak, with my infamous quote -- an apple a day keeps the doctors away. But in reality, I was practicing a very wrong diet -- just an apple a day which keeps the doctors coming. I was on a yoyo diet, I kept losing and gaining weight periodically.

And then I went into an almost anorexic stage, a stage when I barely eat properly. I lost more weight, and even got to the point where I was just a mere 41 kg – way below the healthy BMI. I felt happy and I felt good, but people around me started freaking out and told me to eat. I laughed at the irony of it at that time, I was once denied of food, but now they’re throwing food at me.

I went through that stage for a few years. Denying myself of food or too much indulgence. I skip meals occasionally, snack a bit here and there, and forbid myself from eating after 6 p.m. I weighed myself every morning and would freak out on the slightest gain – though I did put on 1 kg and made 42 kg as my ‘ideal’ weight. 

But the 2005 fasting month marked a new beginning – in just one month, I gained a couple of kg’s out of indulging myself with too much kolak (a sweet soupy dessert made of coconut milk and palm sugar, with bananas, cassavas, or sweet potatoes in it). 

I was so depressed, I did everything I could to get back to my previous weight. But I guess the age factor has taken its toll, I find it very hard for me to lose weight now. Maybe my metabolism is slowing down, or maybe I just lack the determination that I once had. I never got back to being the 42 kg girl. The more I stress, the more I tried, the more I gained weight – as I turn to food when I feel down and would sometimes binge.

As time goes, I stopped being overly obsessive and started to eat more normally. Well, I could say I've given up and accepted the fact that I couIdn't be as thin as I used to be -- or wished to be. 

Of course I still keep an eye on my weight, but not as strict or as hard as I used to. I eat when I want to and would stop when I feel I have to. I snack a lot but I balance it by eating loads of vegetables (and I mean loads!) and drinking loads of water. I don't eat too much fried and oily or rich food, and would opt for broiled, steamed, or boiled food. I limit myself from eating too much red meat and would always choose fish as my main protein source (along with egg whites and tofu – some of my favorite food). I don't eat much rice though, but I could never let go bread, cookies, chocolates, and other carb-laden food. I still track my calorie intake sometimes, but I've loosen up quite a lot.

I don't really work out (unless you count dancing like crazy every weekend as a form of work out), but I try to keep myself active and mobile. I'd take the stairs every once in a while. And I've plans to hop back to the treadmill and make use of my yoga mat again – soon, I hope.

Another old habit that I've dropped is weighing myself every morning. In fact, I avoided the scales as it tends to make me feel depressed everytime I saw the numbers. I’d just use my pants to know whether I’ve gained weight or not. If it started to feel too tight, then I know I need to hold down a bit. I'm not sure how much I weighed now – and frankly, I don't really want to know.

I still stress – a lot – when I feel I've gained weight. I still complain – a lot too – about my body. Flabby arms and thighs, big belly, wide hips, and so on. But oh well, I've realized that when I feel good, I'll look good. So I try to feel good about myself – I'm hot, I'm sexy, I'm smokin'! – though it's kind of hard to do so when you feel bloated (and cranky) during PMS.

Reality check, I'm no Giselle Bundchen – and will never be, even if I bust my ass at the gym for hours everyday. That perfect sculpted structure is not there to begin with – that lucky b***h... (sorry).

Great. After writing all this down, I think I need my chocolate therapy. Mmm...